When I am grouchy and bad tempered, I explain it by explaining my situation: I've got a headache, I'm tired, I'm worried about this or that. What other people see is my behaviour - the cross words, the angry actions, the rudeness. But I explain my behaviour away because I know what I am experiencing: I was rude to them because I was having a stressful day etc.
Yet when it comes to other people, there is always a danger I will stop at the behaviour and forget to think about what they are experiencing. They are just rude or agressive or not nice. I don't think about what is affecting them at that particular time.
Most people understand the need to empathize in their private life but when it comes to work, the temptation to stop at behaviour and ignore what your team are experiencing is great.
It is so easy to focus on your team's behaviour (late work, sloppy work etc) without thinking about what is causing that behaviour. Next time you witness some behaviour you think is unacceptable take a moment to ask yourself what they are experiencing that might be affecting this behaviour:
- Has their job changed recently?.Are there new pressures? Are they worried about something? What is different? Newly promoted people often feel the pressure and let their behaviours slip. Have they taken on too much new work?
- Has there been a change to their colleagues? Someone left? Someone new they are working with? Many stresses stem from changes in colleagues.
- Has there been a change in the processes you use? New systems and processes stress people out. Could a particular new process be challenging for the member of the team? Did they get the training?
- Could it be personal? Our private lives affect us whether we want them to or not. What could be affecting them?
These simple questions help you to step back from judgement of the behaviour and to try and understand what they are experiencing that explains the behaviour.
You can then sit down with the member of staff to discuss the behaviour but rather than starting with the behaviour you start trying to understand what they are experiencing. Tell them that you noticed they seemed stressed and ask whether there was anything you could do to help. This gives them the opportunity to explain what they are experiencing and then you can focus on helping to solve the underlining cause of their behaviour without them getting defensive.
So don't rush to judgement of the behaviour you disapprove of. Take time to understand what they are experiencing that may be influencing them.
